Impossible is nothing

Going through my old writings...Listening illogical songs...Watching crap television... Remembering everything we`ve been through, every line I said, every line you meant…Trying to think of something that will hurt you, but, I am hurting myself more…I`ve lost my desire for...Whatever...Can`t find any extra words, hidden somewhere inside me… I`ve spent all my words on you.No need for additional explanations. It was so simple from the very beginning… So, I am putting on a pedestal, the one and only truth that I now understand, since you`ve bitch slapped it in my face, and proved the real meaning of it… Damn right , it is, and always will be, Bros before hoes.As simple as that. Peace!

You are a Title

LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA.............

Oh, I am sorry, were you talking to me????????

My high love letter

Hey, hey, where are you rushing? Wtf dude, my thoughts… There are like ninja stars, coming right at me, so fast…

(Pause)…

I am hurt…Even though I am not really in a condition to say the right words, to make the right face (because I am so cool with everything right now),but I know that much- I am hurt. I also know that I feel sorry for..Us… You know dude, like, when you have spend so much time with someone, and you are bond and stuff, and then you lose it,and... It is normal to be sad.. Like for example, you love your dog, and it loves you back,right? And one day you lose it, and you are sorry, right? But, you are not dog, dude, I am not saying that you are an actual dog, I just wanted to make a point here.. And if I have to choose which animal you look like, you are definitely a raccoon :))) Hey, just kidding…

(Pause)

Wait...I know… (Raising my hand) You are a Chameleon (hihihihihihi)…

(Pause)

So, what now dude? It`s the same shit again..But that’s OK.. You know… When I was a little girl, and saw that I wasn`t always going to walk on roses, I bought myself a big rubber boots, so every time I have to walk over some shit, I`d be protected from the filth… Yeah, that’s right, I`ve been doing some thinking too, and I always think...And I am always aware.And you are fooling yourself Mister, if you think that you are the only one that has the situation under control, when you are drunk..Or high.. I never lose control, I just let you think that you are more powerful than me, because you know, you are a chauvinist… And, ME-FEMALE, to be smarter than YOU-MALE? Or foxier, if you will?Impossible…

It doesn`t matter you know, because now, we are just regular characters, supporting roles, we are not innocent anymore. Every scenario that was written about us is now erased…Everything that was supposed to be an amusing story, now is under construction, with no changes..No one will ever remember our story. Maybe I`ll read it sometimes, but then I`ll realize that, it is pointless to read, because I know it, I was there when it happened (dooh),I have nothing new to learn or understand…

So, here is the scenario… Now, when we`ll see each other, we`ll be so nice, it will be like: Yeah, we are over it , you know, we have respect for each other, it`s not like something happened between us, so now we are acting weird.. Oh,and yeah, we`ll have conversations like this: “Hey dude.."..No, no, wait, without "dude". We are not dudes anymore. So, it would be like :"Hey, what are you up to these days? Did you enroll postgraduate studies?”
And I`ll probably be drunk, and say: “Who cares about the stupid postgraduate studies…Postgraduate studies sucks ass, I don`t want to study anyways”… I just want to run, I want to run, without stopping, I just don`t know if I have a finish line, a goal.. I am afraid to stop… Actually, I`ve stopped for a while, beside you, and look what happened.. I am all fucked up, emotionally challenged, drinking wine, eating chocolates (hmm, not so sure about the chocolate. Maybe I eat the chocolate because my sugar levels in the blood are low right now, because of, you know…hihihihi )…

(Pause)

You`ve tricked me dude… Even though I thought you are the victim in our story…Not my victim, a victim like in your own story, because you are such a drama queen… Ok, think whatever you want, I am not going to prove myself wrong.. I mean right...I mean... I just wanted to see how much time we`ll last… I think eventually, we`ll be OK…A good memory… Or I just think that now, because I am so cool dude… And we won`t correspond, because I`ll be invisible on Skype… You`ll just text me a formal message like: “Hey, how you`ve been? I was wondering if you would like to grab a cup of coffee?” And probably, I`ll be still drunk, from the last time we saw each other, remember, I`ve mentioned it in the text before…And because, you know, my life is still a mess, I`ll probably say: “Oh, who gives a shit about the coffee? Our cafeteria is not there anymore…It is closed...It is just a ruin… And I am there too, sitting, eating a peer, waiting for something…

Why dude? Why did you give up on me so fast? Aren`t you a little bit curious about us? You are just a spoiled kid… You still have that child issue, when you were a little boy, and your parents didn`t want to buy you the pink teddy bear… And I am that teddy bear… And you were crying over me, but two minutes later, you saw another, fluffier teddy bear and you stopped crying… OK,OK, you know what, it`s fine..Really…It`s definitely fine, I can feel it..(I actually think that I can smell it too...Ooops, my mistake, that is probably the yogurt and the coffee from this morning...hihihi... Oh,excuse me Mr.Serious face, have I made this situation uncomfortable?).Anyway, thank you for listening, now I am gonna go, I can`t feel my arm, I`m flying between my words and letters, and you know what? I am giving you my F letter…

(Pause)

Oh crap, I should`ve chosen some other letter...F is mean… And I am a good person…I am not mean… I should`ve chosen C for instance, C… Like Cheese Cake…
Mmmmmm, cake………………………………………………

The other woman

Blindness.. Little city….Big faces…Make up and cars…Immorality… OK, lets start from the beginning…You are sitting at home..It`s comfy, nice, warm, familiar, not scary at all..Everybody is here, doing something, making jokes, making pies, watching football.. But yet, you are trying to change something, to run from this heaven and take a look at the other side, the dark and wet, where everything can happen without even giving you a reason… Starting to walk the streets of this town. Yes, this town,big enough to make you feel lonely, but yet small enough to cause you claustrophobia… Walking the path, still not knowing it, I`ve met you… There, in the middle of this nonsense, where everything seemed so confusing, you were the only logicality in the jigsaw, that made all the pieces come on the right place.. A jigsaw, that was never meant to be solved..But yet, the curiosity, or maybe, the desire for the unknown picture prevailed. Big mistake... Some things are suppose to be left unfinished.. Unfortunately, I got that when I finally solved the jigsaw and saw the real picture..And there was you,and there was I, but the picture itself was so not what I was hopping for. Yes I saw it coming...Hey you?? What really happened there?? Every little piece of me is turning into some unknown form of sadness, anger, denial.. I am a fucking walking cliché...Been there before..I know I`ll come together one day, cause karma is the ultimate bitch...And since that day, if I see you again on the streets, in this same town with no mercy, I will pass the logicality, for sure..

Equilibrium

I am loosing every inch of reason,
can`t remember anything at all,
all that we had was just a wicked dream,
I have decided not to dream anymore.
Lying everyone around me,
living for the moment to come,
I turned all my beliefs,
into fucking something I always resented.

Sweeping all the memories dear,
throwing them into the shadow of fear,
cause I am not afraid to love,
now fly away and let me find myself again.

I will keep everything inside me again,
all of this have gone too far.
But we don`t believe in that, do we?
Cause too much is never enough.
What do you even reckon now?
Do you ever think about what we have gone through?
All my nasty habits amused you,
and now I see it draining out of you.

Sweeping all the memories dear,
throwing them into the shadow of fear,
cause I am not afraid to love,
now fly away and let me find myself again.

You don`t have the guts to let me hate you,
so why blaming everything on me?
I felt everything I wanted to feel,
and don`t regret anything at all.
Cause knowing you like I do,
was always my prerogative,
but knowing me like you could have,
is an ordeal you never felt!

Absolutely true

It`s a beautiful Sunday morning. The sun is shining, coming right through the blinds, into my bad . A couple of teenage boys are rapping on the street, doing some free style and break dance.The neighbors from downstairs just had their second child, a cute little baby boy. The old miss Gedelman is having her Sunday piano concert, performing the Turkish march in front of her two cats. I smell a coffee from the kitchen. Getting up, and pouring some into the cup. It tastes OK, even though it is sugar free, because of my diet rules. It`s a magical day, indeed...

**********************************

It`s Sunday morning again. The stupid sun is coming directly into my eyes, waking me up. But it`s not just that. Nooo... The noisy teenage boys are rapping on the street, some offensive rap song, and they are not even doing it right. I wonder what their parents think of their little rap shit. The baby from downstairs cried all morning. I mean, get him a nipple, for crying out loud. The old spinster is playing the Turkish march again. Learn something new, missy. And I swear, those cats.. I`ll shoot them. Going to the kitchen, pouring some coffee.. Puking it...I mean, WTF? Who would make such a terrible coffee, it does not even have a sugar in it. Why is everything happening to me????

Family portrait

Circle of trust....Family...Relatives...Friends. The most important ingredients for joyful life. Imaginary circle.. Or, imaginary aura , which suddenly starts to change its shape , and until you are ready , it splashes into hundreds of tiny pieces , and releases all the energy, trapped inside it. And suddenly, you have no fucking idea how you feel about yourself...Or everything around you. You have a tears in your eyes and a smile on your fucking face at the same time...You want to run so fast, but you can not move from that fucking spot, you want everything to just go to hell, but at the same time, you feel glad that this weird feeling is present, thinking, maybe ,this is the real moment and this is the logical consequence that everybody should see and should have in mind. You start to act like an infantile person. You are starting to like the self pity, crying over some stupid ballad and suddenly, you find yourself into a 3D place, which you can not explain to anybody...But it is explainable, actually..So, you are finally trying to explain yourself, and its all going well, until.. You look around , and you see yourself , sitting on an old wooden table, and on the table, a puppet theatre , composed of you, and the rest of the audience, listening to your story. Everything is a version of something else. “The thing” that existed in some kind of fortunate form ,a long time ago, now is just a memory, an old photography (unless, the photography is not just another fake pawn, sacrificed for the queens or kings sake). And, just like that, you will move all the pawns, and the other figures, just to win the game.. Or, maybe, at the worst case, you can shake hands, with the line:” It` s not possible to continue the game” ,still not calling it EVEN.(just for fun)

For your consideration...

A lucid barrier of delusion,
is tearing asunder the rationality and the misunderstanding.

Just empty words,
are coming out of the mouth,
and the silence is causing pain,
wrong impression, fake promises.

The pride is rising above the inner peace,
and all that is left is,
the meaningless walk through the rainy labyrinths of unattainableness.

You are not the one that bit the apple,
but yet,
you are the one that is ashamed of the nudity.

The flow is braking the fragile walls of the existence.
The ebb is just pulling it all away.
No evidences left.
Unfortunately...

Alien love

What can I do for you? A coffee? Cigar? A little crying maybe? No thank you, I will not cry..Why? What is up with the crying..It`s pointless, it`s not like someone is going to hear you, see your stupid face covered with wet mascara lines, looking like some idiot who lost control and now can`t take it back.. What, tell me, it`s not like you are going to lose weight, like when you are sweating.. What can I say now, when you ruined my life? Oh yes, darling, that`s right..The heartless princess is lost..But it`s OK you know...It`s OK to be out of control sometimes, just to see that the other feelings, long time no seen, and felt, still exist...And now, the case is open..What shall we do?We can`t call the cops.The one that is guilty is the one that called the cops..I can`t betray myself..I will run again..Run from this fake scenario that I made up. Trying to be nice, but can`t. Trying to say, I`m glad, writing it, while my brain is resisting the pressure. It hurts, so bad.. I knew it, I mean,it was so obvious. There is no end of something that has not even started.So why should I care?Or cry? Or be angry? You know, people that have seen UFO? No one believes them, everybody are like:Yeah, and I saw Yeti yesterday, playing basketball in my yard. Well, I felt it, and that`s OK... I know that it was not real, but just wanted to stay a little bit longer there..To feel the real thing in the fiction, to be safe just for a while.. To understand, to remember...To feel pain again. But, you know, it doesn`t matter.. I knew that it was going to end.I must admit,I wasn`t prepared yet, and that`s why I`m writing this stupid pointless article..So that, the next time when I read it, I will remember always to be prepared..To wear the helmet..No biggie, just got an exit wound. You bleed a little bit, heal it, and always look the scar when something new is coming...Yes, I would like one cigarette, thank you!!!!!

The eternal tautology

You know, I wonder sometimes… No, I just said that (that I wonder sometimes) cause I thought that it might be cool that I was thinking something through…Deeply..You know… Never mind. .So, just before I start writing, I was thinking about the saying “What goes around comes around” …That the life is like a wheel, or circle,or, whatever you like, and that one day everything will come back at you like a boomerang… Cause, you know, the Earth is round, so because of that , the life itself has to be round, and it has to work on that principle, you know, to roll…Or maybe it`s because of it`s shape…I don`t know… But now, there is another question popping into my head…Why do you think that there could be more room in a circle than in a square, or a cone or some other geometrical design? The saying is made up that way, so that it could role… I must say, it`s not at all a healthy thought at 10 AM, but hey, my whole environment is not so bright either, so according to it`s facts and principles, I suddenly realized that the circle is not rolling because it is round, or because of the shape of the Earth…No, no…We are blowing into the circle, and it is rolling , until , you are tired of blowing and you just stop. But sometimes, you might blow it so strong, so that you`ll tear apart the circle, and all the fragile stuff inside it will just sparkle around and brake. Some of us, with all the shame and persistence, thinking about the things that were important inside that circle, are looking for a needle and a thread , to sew the circle, and while gluing the stuff that broke, are thinking of a new strategy, how to blow the circle again, so that this time, the guilt and all the broken pieces are on the other side. And, some of us, simply pay for a maid, you know, to clean up the mess …

It is my life after all

Again …the moments of thinking through. Oh, what an imperfectness. The same shit again. Really, I never thought of myself as a person that can walk the same unchanged path…Path, or circle, or field…The name is irrelevant, what is important is what is really going on. Actually, when I`ll think better, there is really nothing going on. You are standing somewhere in between point A and B..Point A, drawing you an arrow that leads to the exit, and the other is also drawing you an arrow, just the other way round, leading you back in the entrance, maybe, reminding you of some past experiences, events that were suppose to be just a memory…a pleasant moment from the past. But somehow, the role that I`m playing right now, is not compatible with the genre of the play, so because of that logical reason, the script that was repeated a hundreds of times, still amuses me. But somehow, out of nowhere, in the middle of the play, I looked around, and I realized that the genre has changed. So, finally, the big word, CHANGE. A word that was suppose to bring me a joy and relief, but, again somehow, the genre of the play that I was acting in, by definition is called monodrama. An empty scene, covered with some yellow autumn leafs, and on the seats, audience collected from the crew that was playing with me before, on the scene. Observing this nonsense, I am trying to sit between them, to get out of the script, the lines that I am suppose to say , and to ask them, wondering: “What the hell is going on here? Why am I alone on the scene, ha? For the whole time I thought I was talking to someone, that someone will respond to my questions? Obviously, rhetorical questions. “And, just like that, with an eagerness in my voice, and the tears almost shed , I am looking at their amazed faces … The lightening from the reflector is following my every step… I was standing there, on the scene, still wondering, with tears falling down my cheeks, and suddenly.. A big applause…. Still confused, not knowing why these strange people are applauding me , I left the scene. The audience left the theatre from the main entrance…I…I was still behind the curtains..

Only happy when it rains...NOOT

So..here I am, looking at the ruining of my so called mature personality or life, or whatever, which BTW, by now was suppose to be enjoying , and I ask myself, which part was missing for it to become perfect? What can a girl do when you are constantly washing your car , and the fucking birds are always crapping it, or suddenly, when you are proud of the shiny color of your clean car, the rain will come and will fuck you up again. The mistake is so obvious, just, the problem is that there are no eyes to observe it, not an ear to hear it, not even a woman instinct, just an empty space. I am lying , I don`t fancy a rain at this moment. I`m tired of running and hiding , tired of making a perfect plans for a moments of happiness. I`m tired of hiding my identity, and to get a little political , I`m starting to identify myself with my little country. And now what? I am in vacuum right now. Well, is not this the thing and the moment that I was lusting for so long? So bad. Why , just for once, I don`t make up my mind , why don`t I end my meaningless walking? Why am I still standing on this fucking blind street? A girl without makeup , drama queen.
I DON’T WANNA SEX ON THE BEACH.
I DON’T WANNA ZOMBIE.
I DON’T WANNA TIJUANA.
I DON’T WANNA MARGARETHA.
I DON’T WANNA COSMOPOLITAN.
I DON’T WANNA LONG ISLAND.
I DON’T WANNA GIN TONIC.
I DON’T WANNA MARTINI EITHER.
WHAT I REALLY WANT IS WATER. One drop of a good water. I want to be an USB devise. Portable. I`m too small and selfish to forgive. I am getting my hopes too high. And what I surely do not want right now, is the hope, as the last piece of the jigsaw of my pain.

The glazier

It is just like, you find yourself inside a room, surrounded by a soundproofed glass, so you are there, you see everything, all the happy moments that are happening to the people around you... Well, they seemed to be happy, according to the happy faces they were making and their fucking grimaces. Everybody is so busy with their perfect life... So was I.. Until recently, when I accidentally broke the glass, and I started to hear their voices and I actually realized that the faces were not happy at all... They just seemed that way ... I was no longer isolated. I was there, present, and realized that I spend way too much time behind the glass... Even so, the next day, I called the glazier (just in case)...

What the heck the three star blog means?

Well, it took me a long time to create this blog..I can make up a little drama, where I can be the young girl writer that went through a difficult life times, and how I was not understood from no one, and then started to write some short texts... But these are not the real reasons, actually, I was preparing my graduation thesis...Oh, who am I kidding... OK, I was very lazy, and addicted to Facebook... I`m still all those things, but I`ll try to ...I will not promise anything... That way, I will not feel pressure, and I`ll write when I feel like it, because, you can not limit your inspiration with time. Anyway, what I really wanted to say, I was going to explain the title of the blog. It`s not a rating, a three star blog, If I was going to do that kind of stuff, I would have named it, the five star blog, right? Actually, the three stars is my tattoo, even though it is small, it has a whole philosophy dragging with it, that is of course, connected with this blog. So, I will not explain the meaning of my tattoo, I will just start writing, and some day, I`ll tell the story about it. Chaaa...